2022

        I used to post my writing every the end of the year at Facebook but I think not everyone deserve to know that much about me. So I posted the writings of past years and will write the writing of next years only here. I just remember that I have decent place to write, even it's quite old though.

            So I failed to reach a goal I set this year, I didn't graduate from the course. It hurts like a lot, I still can't get over it even after months. I had to borrow my aunty's money to pay the course, and when I started it, apparently they said that my laptop isn't qualified enough, so I asked them to postpone my learning for five months so I could collect money to buy a new proper laptop. I paid for the remedials as well. However it's still not enough. But it is nothing compare to what I had in December this month.

            So I have a friend, that turned out to be the love of my life. I noticed him in the last two years writing as well. But this year I will tell more about him. I found him when I didn't mean to find love, I didn't expect it come that fast because I just healed from five years and more of broken heart. But quantity is nothing compare to quality, the wound I had from the first love is nothing compare to the wound I just got from the love of my life, sorry cheesy, even it's just around two years? until the time he said it in this December.

            I found him in late 2019, technically by finding his bottle letter then I keep it. But I just finally noticed him in late 2020 because I was too busy facing the temperamental Korean supervisor I had in the past who ever told me to learn how to code rather than continue my study in administration to get bachelor degree. He destroyed me mentally but yet he cares about my future, but anyway destroying someone's mental health is not right even his purpose is good. I never contacted him again even he said he never get bothered by me, it's his pleasure, and asked me to keep contact him.

            So I looked for someone who willing to help me to learn how to code from zero, by his kindness because I didn't have enough money to pay a private teacher, btw it's when it all started.

            So I asked him. He is apparently really kind and has a good heart, I can smell the essence of everyone's soul btw so I can tell that he is rare. He teaches me until now. He is so patient, so supportive, and positive kind of friend. We got to know each other along the time until we, we finally found out that we are pretty much similar, then it turned us from friends to lovers in a very short of time. I fell in love so easily for him. So unbelievable. I've met many souls, but none of them can crack the high wall I have while he can did it so easily. And along the years, I realize that even we're pretty similar but he just by being himself complete me in all ways, as if he was really born for me.

            Then he told me about his disease, it didn't stop me, I don't mind, love supposed to accept for who we are. He told me about his traditions and parents. I had a broken heart after he said that in the past, I remember at that time I accidentally cut my finger which cause much bleeding, but we couldn't help to fall in love more to each other. I'm very aware that the love, chemistry, sense, frequency, connection with this person is precious. It's not something that everyone can get, even for married couples, maybe he never realize that. It's such a blessing for me that I have no idea what thing I did right in the past to deserve this kind of love. His love and soul are gifts for me, I feel that.

        In the beginning, he told me once that we should break up, when he's not being listened about his opinion by his strict parents, they told him that he's just a kid, even for small case. He had no idea how it would be if it's about a big thing there such as marrying a foreigner, even Muslim. I was at office at that time then cried in the toilet. I remember he said he also didn't sleep enough at that time. Then he told me to forget that, that actually I've never forget, of course. It becomes the most scariest thing to hear for me. You will know why by reading this to the end.

          So we keep walking this far, we always there for each other in every ups and downs, no one could understand me like he does, I always include his opinion in every my decisions, I am the only child while he has a big family, so it feels like he is the whole world to me while I am just part of his world, that's sad. Of course I have friends but I don't text them if there is no issue/topic to talk about. And I am not open up even to my parents so I used to keep everything I've been through to myself only before I met him. So there, u can see how much he meant to me.

        I told him about my life story on his birthday, the secret one that only family knows, not even all relatives know. And whenever I'm in a thick of sick, he is always be my first reason to heal. He is the first and last person that I have in my mind everyday. Even in my dream, I put himself first than myself. I love him to the fullest. No one could taste this incredible and so right for me.

        I always have some unstable days every month since I am female, you know what I meant, which at those times I usually concern about our future, he always convinces me, makes me calm, and tell to not worry too much about our future. But not in this December. He said we can't marry. It made me in pieces as u can guess. My hands were often shaking for few days, I didn't sleep for more than 24 hours and only be able to sleep in 3 hours later, it happened for few days btw, tears keep dropping down, until there's nothing left to drop, and I sleep on prayer matt, until today, even on periods. It really destroys me, I don't eat much like normal, like no food will make me feel life anymore. It's something that I'm afraid he'd be, that he gave up about us. My days become so much different. Life is tasteless. I don't want this life anymore if it's not because thinking of my parents. I feel myself like a ship that sails without destination.

        I don't know exactly what made him not that strong enough this month, is it because of my words? Did I hurt him? Sometimes I hope because he's tired and lack of sleep, because I ever said the same thing in our beginning of relationship and it didn't make him weak. Is his feeling fading out towards me? But he said no. I have no idea though, because he said he can think that what we have all this time is just his happy-good time temporary moment with me, and he planned to distance slowly. Deg. My life was stop for a second. Sounds really pathetic isn't it? It broke me worse. When all this time I give him all of me but he just gives me some part of himself? I wish it's not him saying that to me. I couldn't believe that. I can tell that he doesn't love me the same anymore. He forgets what all we have this time. Even he still can acted romantic when he knows that he doesn't want to try hard to be with me. Does he think I am average girl?

        He expected me to have other boyfriends as well while I'm in relationship with him and tell to not rely on him only. So I even have no loyal value in his eyes? He thinks I am someone who can cheat? Or is it because he doesn't want to be responsible about me? He knew well that I always care about his jealous feelings. He also expected me not to get attached to him while I'm still in relationship with him. Like how come? He could just simply say break up like in the beginning if he doesn't want me to get attached right? Why he didn't do that again? And he said that he always said don't hope too much, then why on earth he always convinces me, makes me calm and tells me to not worry about our future every time I am in my unstable days, it happened every month, means the last time he did it is just November. Then he asked me why I feel like he just betrayed me. So he even never plan me as his future wife? So he doesn't want our future as much as I do? Is he taking me for granted? I don't think so, because he is smart. He is not average.

          It's really confusing, like someone who is with me all this time is not the same person who said all that to me, you feel me? What's just happened to him? He sounds really hard to tell me the real reason as well. He told me some answers but it's not the real reason why he just said that now, I can tell that. The last reason he told me is about his condition, that his parents not allowed their children to work abroad, which is will be his first move. But I wonder why I'm not surprised while he's surprised by that. I could consider that if I were him. He must know that it will be hard and take courage and much effort for him since we started this relationship. It feels like he just changed his mind suddenly and I have no idea why.

        Is he started to care about what other people think? So it's just that much he see the worth and value of our love, myself, and what we have all this time? Is he afraid of commitment? Is he afraid of taking responsibility? I didn't ask to marry me like these years though. I can wait for him whenever he is ready, he is worth the wait for me. He said I didn't do anything wrong. He said he still wants me the same. He said he still loves me the same. He said he still feels the same. Then why he chose to lose me when he even haven't fought for our love? Is he so afraid that he chose to regret later? I even wouldn't give up if I were him, never, he is like everything for me. Is he afraid of what will other people think about himself? Is he an easy person so that's why he couldn't see the worth and value about us? I just can't understand. I wish I just can take his position.

        But however, I chose to wait with him for more years. You might call me stupid. I don't know what love means for him, I don't know how much worth and value I meant for him, I don't know what's the plans in his mind, either he is planning to save me or he is planning to kill me because he seems just wanna talk about learning only now. But all I know, and what I can make sure is I am not able to fall in love to another guy again, no one could feel this right again to me. I even can feel his existence before I met him. That is so amazing, don't u think? My heart said that he is the right one. I don't think I can marry someone else if he doesn't try hard or give up for our love. I can't marry without love, if I must, that will be forced one for me. So he is my only hope. I love him, I love him almost more than I love myself. Love is everything for me, it will decide the rest of my life.

        He didn't answer me when I want to know about his plans even after I chose to walk with him for more years. He didn't want to make it clear. I hope it's not because he's confused about what he really wants like boys. I believe men will go hard for what he truly wants. Even I have strong will whenever I want something, that's why my friends called me ambitious and he called me stubborn. I knew it's hard to stand alone when everyone are against himself. He might be doubt because of that. I knew traditions and parents are much older than us. But they aren't meant always do the right thing. We can't do the same solution for all cases, not everyone has the same path to find their love. He will be around 30s when his time to get married, he has rights as human to decide his future. I really hope his willing and courage are strong enough as mine. I really hope his parents' heart will be softer and realize that his child's happiness should be theirs too.

        I will keep praying to save our love, my life, the love of my life. May Allah will hear and fulfill my prayers (Aamiin Allahumma Aamiin). Because above all those traditions, actually we just two Muslims who find our true love in each other and want to get married. I really hope, he always tries to save our love too, because it needs teamwork from both of us to make it happen (Aamiin Allahumma Aamiin).

        Btw this year I also resigned from sales world and trying to switch to hello world but it's sort of difficult. Wish me luck.

Update:

        I made him read this post, he said that he didn't ask to cheat him but I should make more friends and be less depend on him. Then I said no one as a lover will ask their partner to make more friends and make distance to their lover. Am I wrong?

        And he said he wants me to forget him and focus on my career, that's why he told me to find job quickly and make some friends so I get busy and we chat less for getting too attached. Yes it broke me again. He also said he already know the result, it's just about how long we still walk together anyway. Wow sounds that he really wouldn't do anything for me. Lol.

       He also said it's like love vs parents, and he can't choose both. Because if he choose love, it's like breaking up with his parents, they won't even consider him as their child anymore. He said love marriage doesn't exist in conservative Islamic families. Then? Why on earth he started relationship with me if he doesn't wanna fight for love?

        He said he doesn't mind if they accept and strong enough to answer. But he doesn't want his parents live embarrassed. Oh my goodness. He is really unbelievable. Why the heck he started a relationship with me then?? So he literally never think that far about me. So it was just his game? But he said he was not acting and playing for so many years. Well that sounds so funny because his actions don't seem like that, and actions supposed to speak louder than words. Right?

        It's very clear that he just think that far about what he's going to go through to be with me after these years we spent together and he is not capable of doing all that for me. Now I understand why he said he is not a good person for me, because he just wants flirts with me without any intention to marry me and he really thinks what we did all this time is just for his temporary happy-good time moment only and then he will marry another girl, sounds like a snake isn't it? He apparently doesn't even get jealous about the idea of me marrying other guy, he even said he would like to still tease me if I'm married to other guy someday, means he really never think that he should be my future husband. He is sick I think, what kind of love he has for me if he was really not acting and playing with me all this time? 

          It's very dangerous, how your love turned out to be your own weapon to kill yourself when you loved the wrong person, the deeper your love is, the more pain it will try to kill yourself. But I don't regret him, because I loved him right, with all my heart as if it's as wide and as deep as an ocean, I rejected every guy that come to me for him. I gave my all and did the right thing for him so I didn't lose him when he chose to leave, otherwise I raised myself. My mistake is I didn't know that I am not as much as he meant to me. I ignored my instinct, I just felt the right actions he did which are mostly all the time so I ignored the "off" signs I felt rarely about him. So it's just another story of I am a rainbow but he is color blind.

        But anyway I chose to forgive him, even it's really tough, of course. Now we turned out from lovers to best friends/teacher-student as in the beginning. I love him that much even after he hurt me that badly I still wanna be best friends with him in my life, regardless it's about learning or not. But I learn something, time always reveals what you mean to someone and we will learn more about someone at the end of relationship. And I shouldn't trust anybody too quickly, anymore. Being an innocent is not a good thing, especially when you are all on your own as the only child. It's still so hurt of course. Like could you imagine? I wish there is a painkiller for broken heart. But I need to feed my family, so I need to work on my brain now. I won't let myself to get attached to anyone anymore. I think I have some trust issue now even. Now I am truly broken inside, life isn't that interesting anymore for me, no food could make me alive anymore. Like I just live to work and pray now, I don't even like to meet my friends or relatives anymore, I just wanna be in my room alone.

        Wishes for 2023? I hope Allah still have a man like him for me but who will love me more and choose me of course. I asked him to do that job as his last punishment, he even seem so happy to do that, lol. I hope he can do it well. Even though it sounds not possible because he's so perfect in all ways for me, it's like 99% sure there is no one who could be felt like him again for me, he is the most perfect soulmate for me. That's very sad, when I fell in love with his soul but he fell in love just for flirts, that was really tragic, so of course he can move on easily, but me? If there's really no one like him again for me that can make me fall in love again, I don't want this life anymore, so if my reward already enough to pay all my sins, I will just better go to paradise at the time when I have to get married before he will, I hope Allah will consider it because I don't want to live alone either to live with someone I don't love. I wouldn't marry without love. I couldn't grow to love in marriage like him, I either love someone from the start or doesn't at all. I am all or nothing person. But he said he will let me get married first, let's just see. It's hard to believe his words anymore tbh.

           And he said he can promise InshaAllah he will be with me in paradise, well I am sorry I can't, not because I haven't forgave him, I did, but if someone I love marries/loves another girl except myself, then whoever that another girl can have him, I will just let him with that girl in paradise too, no matter how much I love him, because I don't want someone I love choose me if he has another option, because I am not an option, true love wouldn't have any option except myself. I think I belong to heavenly spouse in paradise, perhaps he's my only true love that I've been looking for all this time. So if I am lucky enough he will get someone like him again for me, made me fall in love again, and we get married, but if he couldn't find, then my true love isn't on this earth, I'll live each day with my best as if it's my last to prepare so I hope Allah will consider me to be with my true love in paradise at the time I have to get married before he will. That's all I want. I hope Allah will grant my wishes.

            Now I realize that I did a huge mistake for letting him become my biggest dream. Because our biggest dream should be in our own hand, not in the hand of someone else, no matter how much we love and trust that person.

           For now let's focus to get my dream job and make my parents' dream come true while we see what will happen to me, time will tell. Wish me luck. Aamiin Allahumma Aamiin.

2021

            So, the virus stay still until the 365th day of this year. Had to wear mask anywhere we go, but now I already get used to it, and found it comfortable and match my personality, especially at work lol.

           The bad side is I didn't run for a year. That's sad. But chasing a public transportation and race with time either go to work on time and go back home to get ready for a zoom class (obviously), are more exhausted than just running, indeed. Because it's not just about timing, but also need you and your brain always ready for both. And having a busy life with low energy is not easy for me, especially with lack of sleep, and I am not good at holding back drowsiness, I found myself unaware between awake and sleep so many times with my eyes open lol.

        I don't have many memorable memories in this year. But I got vaccines two times don't worry. I rarely meet my friends and avoiding to meet them as well because I really need to save my money to buy one of my dreams in this year. Other than that, being an adult is all about responsibility right? You got family to feed, you have bills to pay, and if you're that only child with the same economy as me, I am sure you have debts to pay as well, maybe not yours but your parents but you are their only one, if you know what I mean.

        And you still want to make your parents' dreams come true because their dreams are yours as well. And you still have to race with time about it, because we never know how long time they have left right? Ok that's the saddest part.

        And I just want to say thank you very very much to that special one who stays still with me until the end of this year, I always hope that you last forever with me. Aamiin ;)

2020

        This year is kind of different from the years before, but sadly it's worst not better. There is this virus that make us have to keep some space to one another. The technology helps a lot but some things better without it. I hope we all can get through of this and hopefully this will make us as citizen of earth more aware either about our health or the health of our old earth, our house.

            This year also i had a little surgery, the doctor cut my appendix. It's not easy for me bc of some things that are actually normal in surgery but i knew I should, to save my life, not by me, but the doctor and the nurses with Allah's permission, I'm heal, I'm really grateful, I hope Allah blesses them.

            This year I also had my final exam and graduation in college as diploma. And get the honour for being one of the best students, so once again, I'm really grateful for that. I hope I can keep being a better person in the future.

             I also resigned from the previous job, and just like last year I got a new job too but I assume this time is better, I hope, but I knew to resign from the previous one is good for me, for my health especially.

           And in this year also, I found someone special, who I assume is my soulmate, I found him since last year actually but I just noticed him in the last few months of this year. We live in different countries speak different languages & have different cultures. We're just friends but we know we can't find someone else's soul who will feel this right again. I just can believe what's meant to be, will always find a way.

2019

            This year is about exploring some places, either for having fun or learning new things, I met many of new people because of it, with their different colors and backgrounds. What a lovely.

            And I got the new work experiences, from two different companies which have very different styles and cultures, got to know how work really sucks in fact, got the money that sometimes feel didn't worth my energy and emotion, but sure I'm still grateful anyway.

            I realize I gave so much of me to the ones who didn't deserve it in this year. And glad they treated me like that so that I know it's better for me either to leave or let them go especially for the one who I loved since five years ago. And thank you very much for the hopes and disappointments.

            I hope my life is getting better in the next year, the better of me, also my health, my career, my education, my faith, my height :v, and so on.

            About my parents, I always hope they will life longer.

            And for my future husband, why don't we meet soon?

2018

        This year is really interesting for me. I suffered a lot, I got so much pain to feel, so many tears dropped down, and hurt by people who precisely I cared the most, yet I'm feeling very grateful about them because they made me even much stronger and more mature. I learned a lot by the way they hurt me, but I know they're good people actually, so I want to say thank you very much to them for respecting me enough by behaving like they don't need or want me anymore so I don't have to waste my energy and time to the people who don't deserve me.

          And in this year, some of the things that always hidden are disclosed, even though felt so much hurt for related people at first, but I think it's better for us as soon as we know the truth.

        Also, in this year I met certain people and went to a place that who and where I should belong to, but I strongly believe that what has happened and what will happen are the best for all of us.

         And once again I'm really grateful about the ones who gave the scars in my heart, about the problems I faced in this year, and every single things that happened because they changed me a lot, better.

         And I hope may the tears I cried in this year will be the nourishment to the soil of 2019. Aamiin.